Someone recently mentioned Dr. Pheg's advice about being the other woman and I have to say it made me think much less of him when I read it.
Why do people depict interrelationships as being so simple and easily resolved? One of the frustrations I have with Dr. Pheg's advice is that it is very general and oversimplistic. People who have not faced the dilemma of a new relationship while in an old one have no idea what they're talking about. It takes a unique person to simply say to their spouse, "you're no longer meeting my needs, bye." Those of us who have done it are generally unable to do it without a lot of pain, heartbreak and waffling. Many of us need someone new on the horizon to offer hope when there seems to be only darkness around us on the casting couch.
I met someone I felt very strongly for befor I was married in my teens. It gave me the strength to believe that my marriage was wrong, no matter how I justified it, and the strength to leave it in the hope that one day I'd find the love I seek. I ask you: is it cheating to fall in love with someone before leaving your spouse? No? Is it cheating to have sex with someone before leaving your spouse? Yes? Which is more important and long-term, and why make that kind of distinction?
One of the worst phrases I hear is "once a cheater, always a cheater." I believe there are people with no moral fiber who don't care who they sleep with or why. But I believe there are many, many more who have a sexual relationship outside their marriage after many heartwrenching hours of arguments with the spouse, forms of self-denial, deliberations about divorce and affecting the world of a spouse and children among others, and perhaps even meeting someone that they fall in love with on their own merits. If I cheated on my husband, am I doomed to be unfaithful to a man I fall in love with who treats me with respect and affection? I would hope not.
Each relationship is made up of two unique people who often grow and change throughout the duration of the relationship. During that time, they build a unique bond. Many relationships atrophy into a situation of neglect which one partner may be unhappy with. I do not believe that one partner should sacrifice himself to a future of denial. But I think it is myopic of society to tell that person, "no matter what you or anyone in YOUR life thinks, Casting Couch Teens it's right to leave your marriage."
I am learning that even in situations where there is no passion or true love, where both partners agree they should no longer be married, there is still intense pain at ending it and moving on. Even when there are no children, there is still much time and money spent at the division of what they've built together. Even when they think no one is hurting but themselves, there are friends and family who are torn apart by the divorce in taking sides and ending their own relationships.
Who can say that it's right to go through that simply because of the ideal of love, an ideal which may never be met?
As for being the other woman … well, I've done that too. When Dr. Pheg says, "You may feel that he's your soulmate, but think again. A real soulmate would not set you on the sidelines. He wouldn't allow it, let alone entice it," I think it's also myopic. If it's really love, true love, it withstands any kinds of obstacles. If it's not about love, then it will run its course anyway. It almost seems as though he wants to encourage the other woman to demand the man's choice, when that impatience and self-righteousness seems to me the antithesis of love.
Do I seem contradictory in terms of the role sacrifice plays in a love relationship? Perhaps. I think that there will always be an element of sacrifice, but I think it very important that it never FEEL like a sacrifice to either party.
